Until Jesus Takes Me Home

Words spoken 22 years ago to my beloved in his parent’s backyard in front of family and close friends. A garden like scene, something the little girl in me always wanted. And a setting that plays out in Song of Solomon, one of my most favorite books in the Bible. A story of love that is unfettered and an allegory of God’s love for us.

To have and to hold.

For better, for worse.

For richer, for poorer.

In sickness and in health.

To love and to cherish.

Until Jesus takes me home.

I married my best friend, the only one I want to do life with. I am eternally grateful that God orchestrated our paths to cross. Even on that night we first actually met, full of sorrow and loss. God used that night to bring me His absolute best that He had been preparing for me. That night in June all those years ago is proof that everything the enemy desires for our destruction, God uses for His glory and for our good.

We have had seasons full of laughter and joy. Thanking God for all He has done and will do. And seasons scarred with tears and stress. While pressing into God, knowing He is our Comforter and gives us rest.

We have had seasons when we are able to live life without worrying about how we are going to buy milk. Thanking God that He is our Provider. And seasons of job loss and empty cupboards. Trusting God that He is still our provider, and He is always faithful.

We have had seasons of health and rest. Thanking God for His protection as we maneuver through our days. And we have had, and are going through, a long season of sickness. Trusting that God is our Healer and that He will restore that which the enemy has taken.

Song of Solomon 8:6-7
Set me as a seal on your heart, as a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death; ardent love is as unrelenting as Sheol. Love’s flames are fiery flames - the fiercest of all. Mighty waters cannot extinguish love; rivers cannot sweep it away. If a man were to give all his wealth for love, it would be utterly scorned.

Through every season. The delightful and the miserable, we walk, there is a deeper love growing that is not conditional on circumstances, or emotions.

Through every season. The times we are spiritually filled and the times it feels like we are running on empty, we have learned how to cling to each other and run after Jesus together.

Through every season, The years of weakness and the years of strength, we have learned how to carry each other in prayer.

Our marriage story is full of hills, steep cliffs and dark valleys, raging oceans and glorious peaceful meadows. In every season God has been there, holding us, guiding us, and being our strong fortress in the time of trouble.

Psalm 18:2
The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer, my God, my mountain where I seek refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

Jesus hasn’t taken either one of us home yet. I am so glad that our story is not over. And God is still working on us. While our marriage is far from perfect, and neither of us are always at our best. God is faithful and has continually shown us His best for us, especially while we are hanging onto the cliff over the darkest valley for dear life or trying to keep our heads above water in the raging waters of the darkest storm.

God Is Not Done Writing My Story

Do you count down the days until Christmas? (135 in case you are wondering.) Or do you count how many days since something has happened? Like when you say your newborn is 3 days old. (In case you are wondering, my youngest is 1,209 days old.) It has been 1,095 days, since I died and lived to tell about it. Today marks my 3 year ReBirthday! I count the days that God has given me since He almost took me home. I am so very thankful that God already knew that the number of my days are not over yet. In Job, it says that God has determined our days and our months depend on Him. In Psalms we read that all our days are written in His book;

Your eyes saw me when I was formless;
all my days were written in Your book and planned
before a single one of them began.
Psalm 139:16

God is writing the most beautiful story and we have the privilege to be a part of it.

 

Everyday, I look at my littlest and thank God that she is able to live life with her mommy, today.

Because I never wanted part of her story to include losing her mommy while she was a baby.

Everyday, I look at my hubby and thank God that he doesn’t have to do life without me and that I still get to do life with him.

Because I know our story isn’t over.

Everyday, I look at my older kids and thank God that they haven’t had to say good-bye, yet.

Because their story still includes their mom.

Everyday, (well, almost) I ask God to show me what He is doing and how I can follow His lead.

Because His breath is in my lungs and I choose to live my story through Him and for Him.

Celebrating 3 years of God continuing my story.

Today, I celebrate 3 years of my story not yet being over.

Because 3 years ago today, I died and through medical interventions and God performing miracle upon miracle I am still alive.

For anyone who doesn’t know my story, here is the Cliffs Notes version. I went in to have a simple outpatient surgery to remove my gallbladder after having our little surprise number 5. My body reacted to the anesthesia and within 90 seconds of them starting to put me under, my heart stopped and I was in full cardiac arrest. It took 21 minutes of chest compressions and other interventions before my heart just barely started beating again. I was on full life support for 4 days before I started breathing again on my own and finally woke up. I miraculously walked out of the hospital after the doctors told my husband to be prepared to put me in a care facility if I ever woke up. Reactions like that are so very rare, like less than 1% and I haven’t fully recovered from everything yet. But God is so very faithful and I know that in His perfect timing my body will be fully restored.

Snuggle Parties

Today in my Facebook memories a picture popped up of me holding my sleeping little one, with me saying I had so much to do but was choosing to hold her. And now, knowing that just over a week later she almost lost me forever, I am so glad I chose to ignore the tasks at hand and just hold her. Those responsibilities were eventually completed and that precious moment proved way more valuable than anything that needed to be done.

"My list of things to accomplish is so very long.
But holding this little one while she gets some much needed sleep
after a very restless night is the most important thing to do right now.
And honestly the most fun."
- August 3, 2016 -

9 days later, I went into cardiac arrest; 9 days later, I was clinically dead for 21 minutes; 9 days later she woke up and I wasn’t there. Life has not been the same since I miraculously walked out of the hospital. But now, I don’t feel guilty for choosing to spend the extra time with any of my kids. They can go to bed late, if that means the extra conversation happens. Their chores can wait, if that means we get a few minutes more to spend on a project. Those extra moments are more important than anything else. You may not get them tomorrow.

Today she told one of her sisters that I am her mommy because I comfort her. At least once a day she comes up to me and asks for a snuggle party, and every time I stop what I am doing and hold her. Sometimes for a few moments, sometimes longer.

Every day is a perfect day for a Snuggle Party

Choosing moments to hold, comfort, read a story to, and just be with our little ones should never come with guilt or shame, or a feeling of laziness. It’s okay for chores to wait, they are only little for a moment. It’s okay if the sink stays full, even overnight, you may not be there to hold them in the morning. The truth is we are not promised any moment in our life. At any minute life can change forever.

Life Abundant

For both 2015 and 2016 the Lord gave me the word abundance.

Last year it was an abundance of His provision and of His love and this year was an abundance of LIFE. When people talk to me about this year the first thing they think is that it wasn’t a good year, because I died. No, really I did. More about that in a bit. When I think about this year all I think about is how Jesus came to give us life abundantly. Not in that He came to give us anything we want, or that God is our personal vending machine. But that we can live life to the fullest knowing that our identity isn’t in our circumstances but in Him alone. As I reflect on this year I can see everywhere that God did indeed reveal Himself in a truly abundant way.

I started off the year enjoying as much as I could the miracle of life growing inside me. After giving up all hope that our little family would grow I had life growing inside me. God is so faithful and His timing is so perfect. Life Abundant

My dearest and extremely talented friend took pregnancy photos of me.

The beginning of the year flew by so quickly. Until mid-March when every day seemed like a lifetime as we counted down the days before we would get to meet our little miracle.

In April we finally got to meet her! Our little baby Z has been such a breath of life in our family. Every single day her smiles make us smile even when we are having a hard day. Life Abundant

Baby Z

Water baptisms in the creek, this is Life Abundant

This summer was full of business as my oldest went to his second YWAM summer program with a mission trip to Mexico. 

My not so Little Man ready for a summer full of growth and challenges.

The rest of us spent time with family, chased chickens, enjoyed our garden and stayed busy. He came home in July and we started planning his last year of high school. Life Abundant

Then came August

August 12, I went in to the hospital for a very routine outpatient surgery. Seriously, one of the most routine surgeries you can have, gallbladder removal. I had to do it. I had been controlling gallstone pain for years with diet and this last pregnancy aggravated it so much that I could no longer keep the pain, nausea and reflux under control no matter how hard I tried. But, as I have learned over the years, you must hold your plans loosely. I had told my mother-in-law that morning when we left for the hospital, that I would be home by noon. There was enough pumped milk in the freezer for 3 days, and the baby would be fine. 

I went in; everything was fine until they started the meds they give before they actually give the anesthesia. My blood pressure dropped and they couldn’t get it back up, then my heart stopped. I had gone into cardiac arrest. After 20 minutes they barely got me back but I was on full life support. As my cardiologist puts it, I was mostly dead. For 4 days my husband faced the reality that he could lose me. I was unconscious and only alive because a machine was breathing for me and another machine was helping my heart beat. There were a lot of unanswered questions about what happened and why. Was it a reaction? Did I have a heart condition and not know it? We still aren’t sure and will probably never know. There was talk of sending me to a bigger hospital and a heart transplant because I wasn’t responding to treatment. But there was even more prayer. See, God is the giver of life and the only one who knows what happened and how to fix it. God was in control every single moment and it is His breath that caused me to breathe again. I found out this week that when I started breathing on my own and they extubated me, I actually started to struggle again right after and they almost had to reintubate me, but the nurse in the room knew God could make me breath again. She prayed and I started breathing on my own. 

I spent over two weeks in the hospital learning how to walk again and how to compensate my balance after losing an estimated 40% of my muscle mass. What I know is that every nurse who witnessed my story witnessed a miracle. They saw God work and give life. I was not expected to wake up, or have brain function like I do, or even now, have a heart that is working half as well as it is. God has given me LIFE, ABUNDANT LIFE

Celebrating the little things that really aren't so little.

I have gotten to celebrate baby milestones, and firsts. I celebrated Hubby’s b-day and our 19th anniversary in the hospital. They were the best celebrations even though all we did was enjoy a meal just the two of us in my hospital room. Celebrating my birthday this year was special. And Christmas this year, with my kids smiling and laughing. That is life abundant. 

Baby Z's first Christmas!

Life is hard; it isn’t supposed to be easy. Life is full of obstacles; it isn’t supposed to be a smooth path. Life is full of adventure; it would be boring if it wasn’t. Life is messy and full of learning opportunities; or we wouldn’t grow. And life is full of the unknown; or we would have no reason to put all of our trust in the one who created us. That is what Life Abundant means. When you face the hard, know that is how you find God’s abundance. You could say that 2016 was a horrible year for me, but I see a year full of abundant life.